Four Seconds

Four Seconds

     I can’t fucking do this. I guess since I’m here, I can. I might as well, nothing better is waiting for me beyond this bridge. They say this bridge is the second –most used suicide spot after Nanjing Yangtze River Bridge. Maybe I should go there, but I’m used to being second. No one ever put me first in my life; not even myself. Going to be a cold death in this water. The fall of 245 feet will take me around four seconds to hit the water. If the impact doesn’t kill me, the cold water will. I can see The Rock from here. The fog is thick tonight, so I’m sure no one will notice me on here. Fuck it. Let’s do this thing.

ONE

     Letting go wasn’t hard. I just jumped off this fucking bridge. I’m happy it’s going to be over soon. Things been fucked for me since the beginning. When I was a child, I had to watch my best friend die after he got hit by a car. I was screaming for help while I was looking into his eyes. They just went blank. I was never the same after that. I watched a buddy of mine shoot himself in the neck while we were at a party. No one knows why he did it. Good wife, two kids and loving family. He just pulled his gun out in front of all of us and did it. Blood pouring out of his neck and he didn’t even have an expression of pain on his face; he just looked at me and I watched his eyes go blank too.

     I’m really starting to pick up speed. This air is so cold on my face. I better die on impact, because freezing to death is going to suck.

     My co-worker lost his arms in a bad onsite accident. I used to go to his house every night after work to have some beers with him. I would (fuck this is cold) put a straw in his beer so he could drink without help. He didn’t want anybody touching him or helping him in any way. He got pretty good at doing shit with his feet. Even brushed his own teeth. Everybody has their breaking limit, like I am now. His was coming soon and I could tell. He would sometimes stare blankly at the wall while I was talking to him. I had to yell, “Jim!” to get his attention. “Sorry, man. Got stuck in an old memory.” He would always say. I could see his eyes going blank and I knew it was close. I went over there one day after work and found him face down in a tub full of water. Maybe that’s how I will be found.

     I was driving down the very road my best friend died when I was little and struck a child with my SUV. I jumped out my SUV to check him out and his chest was caved in (just like my friend) and I had to watch him die. How do things work out? I killed a kid in the same way it affected me so long ago in the same spot. Life has been funny with me, and not in a funny way.

     I had to watch my own child die too.

TWO

     The gambling started early. Even when I was a kid. The dares were bets for me. And I would always get the payout.

     “Bet you can’t eat this worm!” Tommy (dead childhood friend) said.

     “How much?” I’d always ask.

     “5 dol---“ and before he could even finish, I’d have that worm already chewed up with my hand out for a five spot. Bets from jumping off of houses, to eating insects to eating road kill, I didn’t care. I was getting my money. When I was a teen I would play card games at the parties, place bets and always walk away with most of the money. We would get Texas Holdem games going on the weekends and I would always be the last player taking the pot. Not much of Blackjack guy. I would get into gambling on games later with bookies and getting money off of Loan Sharks for Five Points a week. I started losing money left and right and found myself in a Two Hundred Grand debt. They would look for me and find me everywhere I went and would fuck me up until I gave them some money. “One big bet is all I need!” I would tell them. They were going to kill me if I didn’t have Twenty Five perfect of the money in a week and that wasn’t going to happen.

     So, that’s part of the reason I’m falling at Seventy Five miles per hour now… Fuck, it’s cold.

THREE

     Drugs. There is always drugs in these kind of situations. How else would I of got into so much debt. Coke is not cheap and crack is whack. Thanks, Whitney. Started with simple smoking cigarettes as a kid to get a cheap thrill. Pot as a teen to fit in. Coke to wake me up so I could do more gambling and be sharper. Can’t place well thought bets when you’re drunk, so some coke would lift me right up and pick the teams (I thought) that would win. Win, win, win, is all I did for the longest time. I was untouchable until I wasn’t. I started to lose and make shitty bets and lose anything I tried to do to get money. Cards, games, fucking poker cups in the break room at work. I couldn’t catch a fucking break! Yea, I had to work to keep the IRS off my ass. Had to have a cover for the money I had. Now I have no money for the shit I need and detox is a mother fucker. I may be a gambling drug addict, but I’m not going to take shit from honest working people. Gambling is different. I earn that money with skill.

FOUR

     The water is getting close and my eyes are starting to water from the cold air.

     OCD. I couldn’t snort any coke with any kind of circulated bills. Do you know what kind of shit is on those bills? There is actual shit on those bills. People will wipe their ass without washing their hands, pull out the bills and pay for their meals. And you want me to do a bump with that? Not happening. I go to the bank and get brand new Five Dollar bills. An homage to my childhood buddy Tommy.

     I can’t even take a shit without scrubbing the toilet seat for an hour. Try that if you REALLY have to go. It is rough. When I’m done, I have to spend another hour cleaning it, then wash my hands with bleach for fifteen minutes.

      I would have to shut the door four times before I could close it, then (fuck that water is black) I would have to shut it three times when I’d open it.

     The bathroom floors I would have to scrub three times a week with a tooth brush.

     Every single plate, cup and bowl I owned, I would have to wash every night before bed.

     Sleep? Shit, I couldn’t get sleep thinking of all the crazy shit crawling on me in my bed. I would go lay down in the living room on the couch and watch those knife shows at night. I love knives. Nothing like a good knife to start a conversation in the kitchen.

     Should I land on my head or back? If I go on my head, I may cut through the water and live; but if I land on my back or stomach, it’ll be like landing on the street. I think I will land on my back.

     And yes, there is a girl. There is always a girl. But she has nothing to do with this. She was doing everything she could to try to help me with my drug/gambling/OCD problems. She brought out the best of me and that’s part of the reason I’m doing this. I can’t keep letting her down. She was all I ever looked for in a woman. She was all in and I was too fucked up to have anything with. I will never change. These aren’t little issues to fix. These are life long habits drilled into me. I have a few straight laced friends that tried to help too. I guess I could have worked out some kind of payment plan with those assholes. I guess I could have got some help with my gambling issues. I guess I could have worked on my OCD impulses.

     The water is right here. I been waiting for this moment for so long. I dreamed about doing it and couldn’t wait for the perfect timing.

     I wish I didn’t jump.

The End