The Ladies Room

    

                                            

                                            

The Ladies Room

     My name is John. Here is what happened on that day.

     I was at the Orlando Airport Bar with my (somewhat new) girlfriend, Jane. I call her Janie sometimes, and she hates it because it reminds her of that song. She sort of looks like the girl in the music video, but Janie as a bigger ass (which I love). We been at the airport for hours because the hurricane was getting close to the coast and the local weather man said it’s going to be a big one. He told everyone to board their houses and get inland. That’s just my luck. I try to get out of this hot, humid shithole where everyone is newlywed or nearly dead as fast as I can and I end up in an airport bar drinking my fucking life away for who knows how long. Janie is in good spirits, though. She has been laughing and joking with her two friends we had with us. I say her two friends because I didn't want them coming along, just wanted some real alone time with my new girl, but baby gets what baby wants in the beginning of every relationship. George was drinking water, guess he’s too good to have a drink. He's kind of stuck up like that. His woman, Stacy, is having a few glasses of wine. George giving her the stank eye every time she orders another glass. They been fighting and bickering the whole time while we were on vacation. I’m sure it was wearing Janie thin by this time, but she didn't show it, she just tried to keep everyone in a good mood until the storm passed.

     I just sat there throwing back my vodka shots and drinking beer until I noticed a homeless man sitting on a bench in the waiting area by The Ladies Room. Man, check this guy out looking at all the women pass, and asking for money. He had this long coat on and an old leather hat with a yellow card in the brim. I overheard Stacy tell Janie about the guy asking for a buck and that he had a yellow card saying it was double-money day. She just told him sorry and kept walking. Said he gave her the creeps. I watched him for about a half hour. He didn't look at one man the whole time. Why just woman? I understand, trust me I do, but even the most straight, perverted man in the world will look at a guy once in a while, maybe a casual nod as someone passed, but not Yellow Card Man. That’s what I called him, seem to just fit. After all those vodka shots and MGD's I had to take a leak and I was curious about Mr. Yellow Card Man by this point. He WILL look and talk to me, even if it is for a buck.        

     "Hey Janie, I’m going to take a leak. Make sure no one takes my seat." (Bar was packed due to all the delays).

      She said, "Ok baby, I’m sure Stacy will be right behind you. Ha-ha"

     "Hey!" Stacy yelled, "That’s a good idea, better make room for more wine!"  The girls started laughing. Stuck up George didn't find it too funny, He never does though.

     After giving Janie a kiss and a smack on her ass, I headed toward the rest rooms. I heard Georgy boy bitching to Stacy about her drinking, that she had enough, but she let it roll off and started walking behind me. I’m sure Mr. Yellow Card Man didn't notice me watching him for almost an hour now because he doesn’t seem to acknowledge guys at all. ''Is he looking at me?'' I thought as I walked closer to him. He wasn’t though, he was looking over my shoulder at Stacy that was a few paces behind me. His eyes were sharp, like they belong on another person.

"Hello sir, hell of a storm huh?'' I said to him; he didn’t notice, still looking at Stacy. (I’m sure he was enjoying her bouncing cleavage in that low cut shirt she had on). When she got close enough he said, "I have a yellow card from the ladies room, gimme a buck because today's double-money day." She already knew he was going to ask and threw him a buck so he wouldn’t bug her the rest of the time she was there, and walked right in the ladies room. I noticed a low rumble sound and seen a bright light flash from under the door once it closed. Shook it off as a hand dryer and women need light to do make-up and whatever else women do in the ladies room. Still by Yellow Card Man, I see him searching the area for women. I tap his shoulder and repeat myself.

      "Hello sir, Hell of a storm huh?''  I said.

      He looked at my hand and all he said was ''The storm is always the same."

      Not sure what he meant by that. I said, ''Well not all hurricanes are named George. Every storm has a new name." He didn't seem to care I was talking to him. He just kept looking around like an Owl for a tasty mouse. There were a lot of mice in the airport that night. As you will find out. I went to walk away and he said, "You're always the same too, John." I turned and asked how he knew my name. Didn’t get an answer or even a look from Mr. Yellow Card Man.

     I walked in the Men’s room, went to the furthest urinal, unzipped my jeans, pulled my joint out and let it fly. "Stacy must have said my name and he heard." is what I thought. I couldn't recall hearing her though, but he said it clear as day (another day though because that day was as dark as night). A guy walked in and stood right next to me. Five other urinals and he is right by me.

     "Hey buddy" he said to me. Breath Smelling like nachos and old beer. Then I heard that low rumble sound again and thought about The Ladies Room. (That hand dryer must be broke if it’s that loud.) "Taking a piss" I said matter of factly. He gave me a dour look,

     "I’m just being friendly guy. This weather fucking sucks!" He said.

     I nodded, zipped and b-lined it to the sink to wash my hands. Waved my hands like a mad man for what seemed like a minute until some lukewarm water came sprinkling out. I looked up for the soap and Mr. Too Close for Comfort was there.

     "Think we'll make our flights tonight?''  He said.

     I found the soap and pushed a few times. "We been here for hours, and Hurricane George was about 6 hours away, (dickhead George was only 2 minutes away) I don't think we will be leaving for quite some time friend." I said. He wasn’t too happy about that. Shit, I know I wasn’t happy about it either.

     "Maybe I'll see you in the bar. I'm here with this stripper I met in Miami. She's tired of being here, so I'm taking her with me. I have a....."

     I cut him off, "Sorry guy, but my old lady is waiting on me, don't want her thinking I'm in here answering foot knocks from the next stall." and I walked out...

     There was Yellow Card Man giving his sells pitch. Double-Money day? Sucks to be him if double-money day is only a buck. He looks different, younger. Although I didn’t pin an age on him when I first laid eyes on him. I imagine he is around 60-ish.

     "How’s the hustle going?'' I asked.

     "I have a yellow card from the ladies room, gimme a buck because today's double-money day." he said to a woman walking to the ladies room. She reaches in her bag and pulls out a fresh Dollar Bill and hands it to him with a smile. She had the nicest legs I have ever seen. So I watched her trot in The Ladies Room. Soon as the door opened I heard that low rumble again, and noticed that bright flash of light under the door from when bouncing Stacy went in. This time it had a yellow tent to it. I looked back at Yellow Card Man and his hair was less gray and some lines gone from his face. He looked right at me with sharp eyes "You are the same in every string Johnny, we need them. Leave me be." Then went back to his pitch. "How do you know my name, sir? Did you hear that woman say my name?" I was wondering why Stacy wasn’t out of the ladies room yet by this point. "You need them? What, bucks?" He turned to stone again, well to me anyway, he was still looking at girls and telling them it was double-money day. Maybe Crazy Ass calls every guy he sees Johnny.

     I sat back down in the seat Janie been keeping warm.

     "Where is Stacy?" Jane asks.

     "Maybe she fell in after all that wine." Asshole George chimed in...

     "Trust me, if she did, we would hear her with her loud ass mouth." Janie told George.

     We started laughing, not Georgy Boy though. Only thing that puts a smile on his smug face is when he's right about something more than two people disagreed on. I didn't like that mother fucker the second I laid eyes on him. Which was the day we left for Florida.

     "How are we supposed to spend this much time with someone we never met?" I asked Janie.

     "Give him a chance, he's with Stacy, he can’t be that bad." Janie said.

     Stacy is a fun girl, never holds grudges and always rubs people the right way (In more ways than one). I just got a bad vibe from the guy, even before he spoke, then it got worse after he opened his dickhead mouth.

     Guns N Roses - Patience came on and Janie of course wants to dance with me. She loves when I hold her tight and whistle that opening intro while we sway back and forth. We been together only a few months but we loved each other deeply, almost desperately. It was pretty fast, but it felt right, and it’s been awhile since it felt right. It was nice to have someone positive in my life since I am King Pessimist.

     After a few minutes of swaying, kissing and ass grabbing, Stacy still wasn’t back in the bar. George already looking around like an old woman, whispering to himself.

     "It'll be ok George" I said. "I'm sure she is sucking ten dicks in the ladies room to make up for the money you're not making." I joked.

     Janie jumped in, "Shut up, John! He is joking, George. You know he has a twisted sense of humor. She'll be back in no time. You know how she gets when she travels." Janie said.

     He knew because she couldn't fly unless she was loaded. Some kind of flying anxiety she had. They went to Vegas a few weeks before they came with us to Florida. Not the best trip Janie told me.

     "I’m going to check on her" George said.

     "Be my guest" I told him. I would love to get rid of his ass for a few so I can talk to my woman without people around.

     He came back talking about The Ladies Room being out of order. Said it was taped off. He tried to push the door open but it would budge. Asked me if I even watched her go through the door. "Hell yes she went into that Ladies Room!" I said. I watched her go in with my own eyes; even heard and noticed some unusual things I didn’t share with him, but it was vivid in my mind.

     "Well, it’s been out for some time from the looks of it."  He said...

     Then I get a push from my back, it’s Mr. Urinal Guy.

     "I knew I would see you in the bar! You like that Guns n Roses song I played? I watched you and your girl dancing to it."

     "Yea, she is a sucker for a good GNR or Queen song" I said.

     "My name is Steve, friends call me Steve," He thought that was the funniest thing ever said.

     "Hey Steve, Where is your stripper friend?" I asked.

     "Hell, I haven’t heard from her since we shared a leak together. I went in the men’s room when she went into the Ladies Room."

     It’s been some time since I took my leak..."She normally take this long in the ladies room?" I asked.

     He rubbed is barely there beard and said, "I only knew her two weeks, but when she has her mind on something, she gets it done."

     "Getting nailed behind a stripper joint isn’t what I asked" I thought to myself after he said that.

     Stacy was in there, Steve’s girl and the leg girl are still in there. Who else didn't I see? I was just worried about the Yellow Card Man. Every Woman that went in, the younger he looked. He loved women for some reason. He has his little pitch he gives to the women just before they go into The Ladies Room. Janie asked what I was looking at. I told her my theory about the homeless man, she laughed it off of course. Isn’t that what women are here for? You know what they say. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

     She thought for a minute. "It’s a big airport, maybe Stacy got lost." Janie said.

     George looking scared now. "I don’t think so, Jane. I’m sure she will know her way back; even with 5 glasses of wine." he said. 

     Sitting there in silence, looking around for Stacy, I noticed a group of guys standing by the rest rooms.

     "Wait here, I’ll be back. I think I see a maintenance guy over by the Ladies Room." I said.

     Janie wanted to go with me, I wouldn’t have it. I didn’t want her anywhere near that Ladies Room.

     "Is this the line for the men’s room?" I asked the crowd.

     Steve turned around, "I been knocking on this ladies room door for Sugar and haven’t heard anything in there yet. The maintenance man had tape up because he heard a low rumble sound coming from there and saw a bright flash of light under the door." Steve said.

     "I wonder why he didn’t go in there." I said.

     "Well, he tried but the door wouldn’t budge." Steve said.

     "So, what’s the plan now? There’s like 6 guys here and they are all waiting for someone that went in the ladies room?" I asked.

     "Yea, we been waiting for the locksmith to come and check the ...."

     From behind me I heard, "I have a yellow card from the Ladies Room, gimme a buck because today's double-money day."

     I turned and saw a woman in a dark uniform holding a brown bag.

     "It’s your lucky day! I have a buck left over from the coffee I just got!" Then she threw the crumbled bill at Yellow Card Man.

     "Which door is it?" She asked the maintenance guy. "I hope it doesn't take long. This is my fourth cup of coffee and I need to go!" She said.

     She reached for the handle and it goes down without any problem, and the door eased open.

     "You guys try pulling the damn handle before calling me?!" she started laughing and went in... As soon as she was inside, we heard a faint scream and a low rumble sound. Sounded like it was coming from a 100 foot long pipe. Then the door slammed and a bright flash of green light came from under the door.

     I turned and looked right at yellow...... Green? His card is green now and he looked around 40. Everyone tried to open the door but it wouldn’t move. The maintenance man grabbed the handle and fell dead to the floor. Steve pulled him to the side so everyone could kick the door and hit the handle with some chairs or whatever they can find (too bad butch locksmith took her bag in with her, would have come in handy). I turned and looked at Green Card Man. He wasn’t even looking toward the Ladies Room, and he still had his head on a swivel for some women. I heard someone yell, "What the fuck is going on here?!" It was the airport security with a few cops and plain dressed folk.

     "Everyone against that fucking wall now!" A cop yelled.

     They started patting everyone down (probably making sure it wasn’t a bomb situation).

     "The Ladies Room! The women won’t..." Steve started to say.

     The plain dressed man jumps in, "We'll get to that. Let us do our job first, then we'll ask questions."

     I’m standing off to the side wondering why Yellow Card Man is now younger Green Card Man. I see they have Steve off to the side telling them what’s going on.

     "I have a Green Card from the Ladies Room, gimme a buck because today's double-money day." Green Card Man said.

     I turned and saw a woman cop in uniform.

     "Shut the fuck up, whino." she said to him dully as she passed and b-lined it to the crowd of people and fellow uniforms. She talked to a few cops, looked at Steve and nodded her head and made a funny face.

     "Johnny, honey. Are you ok? What’s going on?" I heard Janie ask from a distance.

     Fuck, its Janie and George walking this way. I thought.

    "Nothing, honey. Go back to the bar." I said.

     George ran toward the crowd of cops to see what’s going on. I looked back at Green Card Man and he put his sharp, intense eyes on Janie. I headed towards him...

     "NO NO NO NO!!!" Steve screams, "You can’t go in there, you won’t fucking come back out!"

     I looked towards the Ladies Room, and the lady cop opens the door and gets sucked in in a way I haven’t seen with the others. It’s like the Ladies Room was desperate to take her. WHOOSH!! A huge gust of air sucked her in, door slammed shut and that low rumble sound was now a loud 1 second hum. A brilliant flash of green light came from the entire frame of the door this time, left everyone blinded for a split second.

     "I have a Green Card from the Ladies Room, gimme a buck because today's double-money day." Green Card man said.

     Janie was right next to Green Card Man.            

     "Janie, don’t talk to him!" I yelled.

     She ran to me and hugged me like we been apart for years. 

     "What’s happening?"  She asked.

     "There’s shit going down in that ladies room. Some creepy shit. Green Card Man has something to do with it." I said.

     "Who is Green Card Man?" Janie asked with watery eyes.

     "Go back to the bar before something happens to you" I tell her. She wouldn’t listen. The Ladies Room started to hum steadily now and the door started to shake, warp and bend in its frame. Illuminating rays of green light came from behind it. George got pushed and fell against the door. The stored energy must have been tremendous because as soon as he touched the door he turned into a red mist, covering the nearby crowd in gore.

     I told Janie to go back to the bar and keep all the women in there. Still shaking after seeing someone we spent a week together with turn into mist. She said, "Come with me. There has to be help around here. We need to call 911 or something!"

     I held her close, put my hands on her shoulders and told her, "Go now. I’ll be right behind you." I said.

     I went straight at Green Card Man, his eyes looking directly into mine. "What the fuck are you doing to these people?!"... He just sat there looking at me, waiting for me... "Officers over here! This asshole as something to do with this......" I said.

     I felt a sudden force of pressure on my elbow, then the world went still. People stuck in mid-run, hands frozen in unknown gestures, Ladies Room Door moving, and warping just the slightest. I looked at my elbow and its Green Card Man's hand gripping me.

     "Be still, John. I’m not here to hurt you." He said.

     How did he know my name? I was thinking....

     "I am Human and of this world, be it another string of reality. See, each universe is made up of infinite layers and each layer has different strings of reality and time."

     "What are you doing to me, to us?" I asked.

     He took a beat... "John, you just need to listen now, because the world as you know it will be slightly different once I leave. I’ll answer your question, the one you asked and the one you thought. I know your name because you are the same in every string, like Kyle said. I believe you call him Yellow Card man, you always do. I am Zack Lang. Now for the question you asked. What am I doing here, John? It’s quite a story, but we have time" Green Card Man said.

     I couldn’t believe what was going on. He was human? How can a human do this? Everything looked foggy, like looking through very thin shower glass. Only thing that seemed to be moving was that fucking Ladies Room door, just barely moving. It must have really been going fast if it’s not froze like everything else.

     Zack (Green Card Man) kept saying, "In my world, my string, my time, a Time Traveler named Jake Epping came to 1958 from his string of 2011 and brought a deadly Flu Strain with him. Over a few hundred years it became immune to all vaccines and killed 80% of all women, 40% of all men. No elderly or children under 16 survived."

     I had to chime in, "Why so many woman?"

     He looked at me patiently, "Listen, John. We call it the Sadie Flu. Named after Jake's lover of our time. That’s part of why he was in our string. It didn’t kill as many men because of Testosterone we believe. It is still lethal to even healthy men though. We had to come here to...."

     I interrupted again... "We?! There’s more of you?" I asked.

     Shaking his head... "John, Please.... You remember Kyle?"

     "The Yellow Card Man, Yes I do... But He turned into Green Card Man...” I said...

     "That’s why you need to listen, John. I am a different man than Yellow Card Man. Our cards help us through the strings and protects us. Mine is green. I am Zack Lang." Green Card Man said.

     "Yes, I got that much." I said...

Looking a little irritated, "No, you didn’t. Yellow Card Man, *cough* Kyle, had to be relieved because we can’t be out of our string for too long or we...... tend to go a little crazy, and have a chance to get lost. We are here for women, we need to repopulate my reality, and the women from this time survived the H1N1 strain of Flu and has that antibiotic in their blood. We think we could make a vaccine to destroy the Sadie Flu out-break in my reality with them." Green Card Man said.

     "How are they going to come back?" I asked...

     "They will not be able to come back, John. For that I am sorry, but we need them to save MY world. It’s a small price to pay. They will not be hurt or mistreated. They will adjust. Start new lives." He said.

     "How do I fit in all of this? How come no one else noticed you?" I asked...

     "You are the same in every string, John. You are a curious soul. Everyone else looked passed the bum we had portrayed, but not you. We drew your attention, as we always do. So we had to get what women we could before you put our mission in danger." He said.

     "What happens now?" I asked.

     "Well, once I let go of your arm I will be gone. The world will be slightly different for you like I said. Only thing changing after I take the women from this string and put them in mine, is I will be pulling all memories and influences of the women I take from this string. The men who had died won’t be effected. Only person who will remember the women and this incident will be you. We do not know why this is, but in every string we travel to, you always end up figuring us out. Maybe you are a Card Man in your string’s future. There is a legend of the Ocher Card Man. Okay, John, I have to go save my world like you are trying yours. Live your life and enjoy the world as you know it. Maybe we will meet again" Green Card Man said.

     He let go of my arm and the world went black. I put my hands in front of my face and couldn’t see shit. My ears started popping like I just got off a 20 hour plane ride, then my vision started coming back. Everything looked like I was underwater for a few seconds then cleared up. The gore covered crowd was gone, Green Card Man was gone. I walked toward the Ladies Room. Silence. I held my breath trying to hear a hum or any buzzing sounds, nothing. I looked around, everything looked normal. I saw people walking, talking and laughing. Then I noticed it was beautiful outside. What the hell happen to the hurricane? Maybe it was there because of the card men. I HAVE to look in this ladies room! I thought. Before I could think about it, I swung the door open and went in. Everything looked clean. (Cleaner than the men’s room for sure) Baby changing station, tampon machine, hand dryer. I ran my hand under it and it came on normally and sounded fine. What the hell did the card men do to this place when they were here?

     "This is NOT the men’s room dude." a teen girl said...

     "Oh, I'm sorry. I should have known since I didn't see any urinals, excuse me." I said as I left the bathroom. Well, I didn’t pop like a balloon or turn to ooze. I headed towards the bar. I needed a fucking stiff drink and fast. I walked in the bar and noticed George at a booth.

     ''George?!'' I yelled.

     "Yea? Who are you?" He said, looking puzzled.

     "Where’s Stacy?" I asked.

     "Stacy? Pal, what do you want?" George asked.

     "Nothing, got you mixed up with someone else." I said.

     Man, I forgot how much of a fucking dickhead he was. Guess he doesn’t remember me like Green Card Man said. At least he was alive, he’s a dick but I didn’t want a death on my hands. He probably doesn’t know me because Stacy never lived here before since the Card Men took her. Fuck, what if Janie doesn’t remember me?! I thought.

     I looked at the bar and saw her. She was standing there, long dark brown hair, tight peach colored shirt with her leggings on. Her ass always looked good in anything she wore, but she knew those yoga pants killed me. She looked my way (hair feathered over her shoulder as she did) Gave me a big smile and wrinkled her nose at me and looked away playfully.

     "Hey good looking, can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

     She smelled like her favorite skin lotion (she can never pick one, but she wore this one the most) Love Spell. She has an obsession with Victoria Secret. Hell, I didn’t mind.

     "No thank you, sir. My boyfriend just got me one and will be back from the bathroom soon." She said cheerfully.

     "Baby, it’s me... What you talking about 'boyfriend'?" I asked with my heart pounding in my chest.

     She turned her head, hair flipping over her shoulder, "I’m talking about you, butthead!" She said right before she gave me a big kiss.

     I gave her a tight hug, took in her smell, got a handful of ass and whispered in her ear. "Did I tell you that I loved you today?"

     "You never forget to tell me, honey."  She said.

     "Where is Stacy?" I asked.

     "Who? The bar tender?" she asked.

     "Never mind." I said.

     "Better get one more shot and beer before our plane takes off to Derry, Maine without us!" She said.

     I couldn’t wait to go back home. What a fucking vacation.

                                     

The End