Loss

                                                                                               

Loss

     I am going to kill myself tonight. I have my gun loaded on the table next to me, bottle of Scotch next to that and a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the fridge. Been drinking PBR all day long. It's been days since I slept. These pills I take keep me up. I quit taking those weeks ago, but I still can't sleep. Something happen to me after the crash, other than losing both my legs. Guess I should start from the beginning.

     I met a gorgeous woman at my friend's New Year’s party. I didn't want to go, but you need to show up in person once in a while to keep the peace.

     "Hey, there he is!" Dave said as I walked in the door. I didn't even have my fucking left foot in and he's already starting his shit.

     "Damn, Dave. Put the spotlight on me." I said.

     "Mingle, Man! Mingle. Jessica has her cousin here. She's single, I had her bring her for you, but she doesn't know that." Dave said.

     It was 11:30pm when I got there. I wanted to just have a few drinks, kiss some random chic and leave. But that random kiss turned out to be true love.

     Jessica's cousin (Mia) turned out to fit me pretty well. She didn't want to be there any more than I did. Which lead us leaving together after our kiss, so we could get to know each other in private. That doesn't mean sex, but it lead to it. We just seemed to fit each other perfectly. I keep saying that, but that's how it was. Instant love. I been dead for years, she brought me back to life. We moved in together within weeks. Jessica told her it was going too fast. She tried to slow us down every time Mia called her. Mia's daughter died a few months before we met. Her kid's dad died a few months before that. She had her demons and problems, but so did I. Two broken people become one complete person.

     We were together for a few years. Still in love like we were during our first kiss. She loved to go riding on the Motorcycle. We would go on long trips on the bike. Just get on and go down some highways we never been on, get a hotel room and come back home by Sunday. She loved getting away on the weekends. We left one weekend and on the way back a deer hit us while we were going 65 mph. We swerved into a SUV which tried to avoid us and ended up flipping countless times. I remember looking in Mia's eyes as she died and seeing children falling from the sky after being ejected from the SUV. The Bike hit the guard rail, crushed my legs and smashed Mia's head in. She just went. I like to think she didn't feel pain. My legs were just exploded flesh. The man crawled out the SUV, unharmed. He lost all his family in seconds. His wife, four girls and his dog all dead on the highway. I'm lying on the road with mangled legs and a dead girlfriend. The Deer is probably eating berries in the woods. He screamed until his throat bled it seemed. I waited to die next to Mia. I was lying in a puddle of our blood. What a perfect way to go. I thought. I passed out and woke up with no legs and months missing from my life. I was put into a coma while my body healed, but didn't wake up like they planned. While I was out, Mr. SUV man killed himself with a .357 revolver. He tried to come kill me while I was in a coma, but ended up in jail for a few months until he got out. His first night home, he did it. He thought I caused the crash. He never knew about the deer and I never had a chance to tell him. He lost his whole family and I lost my Mia (which was two months pregnant) and my legs.

     After waking up and getting my head around the whole situation, I felt this heavy presence. Could of been the ghost of my lost limbs, but it had hatred to it. It never let up. All day and night, I felt it. Even in my dreams it was there. I think it was the father that killed himself.  He blamed me for his family's death. Now he is trying to kill me beyond the grave, I know it. I can feel him so strong because I was near death for months.

     It's almost midnight. I been thinking about my Mia all day long. She was my world, my everything. And she was gone in minutes. A random deer jump devastated so many. People died, and people killed themselves. Me being one of the people that kill themselves. How can I live knowing I got the woman I love killed? Her family blames me. He blamed me. I blame me. I should have kept an eye out for wild life, but I didn't. It's almost time. Do I shoot myself through the mouth? Behind my ear? On the side of my head? I don't know. I just know I don't want to be here anymore. But.... I don't want to feel any pain. I know all the pain I caused, but I don't want to feel any. I'm sure I deserve it though.

     His presence been strong all day. I think I'm ready. But if I kill myself, what's on the other side? He has been wanting me to kill myself, but what's after that? Does he get peace? Do I suffer for what happen that day? Do we go into new bodies? I just know I don't want this body or life anymore. Nothing is left for me here, but pain and heartache. I am going to pull back on this .357's hammer and pull the trigger. The world won't miss me. I didn't give to this world, just took. Goodbye.

The End